Mark 2 Matthew-Lost become heroes

He went out again beside the sea, and all the crowd was coming to him, and he was teaching them. And as he passed by, he saw Levi the son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, "Follow me." And he rose and followed him. And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
(Mark 2:13-17 ESV)

This is a comforting passage as a reminder that Jesus is the one who redeems the lost and turns their lives around. Jesus transforms sinners into heroes of faith. Here Levi a tax collector interacts with Jesus and begins to follow him in a journey that led to Levi or Matthew becoming the author of one of the gospels recording for us as believers centuries later the teaching and actions of Jesus that we might believe the gospel and repent.

Praise God for how he redeems. By the way of the world and my fear it seems sin and mistakes have the final say at least for most people. I feel like I haven't been the minister of God or the bachelor or Christian I ought to be.

Really the last line of this passage Jesus says his kingdom is for those who are willing to admit and deal with the reality they are sick- sinful and need help. Jesus came to heal and help us become well, that we might live a real life a spiritual and eternal life.

Maybe I am being melodramatic and it is just late at night but I feel sick. Even if my sins aren't that obvious or harmful to others as some they are just as destructive. My selfishness, my insecurities, my lust, my arrogance, my pride, my laziness are all sins that lead to destruction. To be honest I feel lost. I feel uncertain about it all - what it means to follow Jesus, my career in ministry, my relationships, my church, my gifts, my time. I feel lost and confused. I thought I was doing all the right things, but I just don't feel it some days.

But I have a God who is beyond my feelings. Our God is alive and active even when I have doubts. Our God has plans even when I make mistakes and when things seem so uncertain.

And so all I know to do is keep on trying, living a lifestyle of repentance and then truly forgiving myself instead of living in uncertainty and guilt. Lord Jesus I want to seek first your kingdom and I want to admit myself a sinner just like all who enter your kingdom. Yet I want to be holy and righteous as you purified us to be Christ.

Jesus I confess my sin and my feelings of lostness. Please guide me on the narrow path to you. I want to feel hope and purpose again. I want to feel excited to follow you and to lead others to follow you. I want to be faithful but know you are in control and trust you to be faithful in all things.
Amen