Spiritual Check in 1 John

1 John 5
13 I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.

I feel a little torn in uncertainty, why am I not more confident and certain of knowing that I have eternal life? 

I feel weighed by pride in my heart mixed with depression and so I don't feel I can think clearly to have confidence. 

But I trust not in my own ability to be in God but in God's commitment to me:

1 John 5
18 We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them. 19 We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one.20 We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.

God remind me of the spiritual reality of Boulder, this world, ministry and how the devil wants to kill steal and destroy and he does have some power here. But also remind me you are greater and will overcome. 
Amen

God and small things

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:12, 13 ESV)

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. (1 Timothy 6:6-8 ESV)

Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, “I have no pleasure in them”; The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. (Ecclesiastes 12:1, 13 ESV)

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going. (Ecclesiastes 9:7, 9, 10 ESV)

Father God grow my heart and discipline to celebrate and treasure the small things and to be content, but passionate about Jesus and the kingdom!

Amen

Joseph's attitude - Lord help me

Joseph is probably to me one of the most inspirational people in the bible.

He faces hardship after hardship but endures and hopes and trusts God through it all. I think the most amazing thing is he makes the best of bad circumstances and made a life where he was and despite the circumstances.

And he has some of the most profound theology rooted in real life of any man:

Genesis 50

18 His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. “We are your slaves,”they said.

19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

This is probably my greatest struggle and much of mankind's struggle: our corrupt hearts desire to put ourselves in the place of God instead of keeping God there in our hearts, minds and actions. 

Joseph also sees reality through God's eyes instead of his own or through circumstances. He also is able to forgive and love his brothers despite what they did to him. 

God help me to trust that you are God and I am not. Change my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh that I might love you and love others trusting in you and not myself. Lord help me to forgive as you forgave me. Give me eyes to see from your perspective, for I am stuck and lost in my own feelings and circumstances. Lord would you give me a heart to love and serve not demand and expect. Give me hope for how I might serve you. 

Amen

Jeremiah 17 one way or the other

Jeremiah 17

Thus says the Lord : “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. (Jeremiah 17:5, 6 ESV)

Lord I know I depend on my own strength too much. Even in ministry I struggle with this. But I have been humbled. I am low and weak and at the point of despair, would you help me not give up but instead trust you. If you have really called me would you speak to me and fill me with you truth and vision.

I don't want to try to go it alone anymore. I don't know how to trust though. I feel lost. I feel I am in the desert wilderness, lost and without direction or hope. I don't know how to do anything anymore. I don't know where to look or to go anymore. 

God pick me up and set me on your path.

Amen

Fight the battle well holding to faith ...

1 Timothy 18-20

18 Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well, 19 holding on to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered shipwreck with regard to the faith. 20 Among them are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I have handed over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme.

God I thank you that I am not alone. That in the struggles of life and faith and ministry you give us examples of not just perfect but real people in their real struggles. 

Lord I have been tempted to give up in so many ways. I am tempted to doubt my calling and wonder if it was my own willpower that brought me here. For in our struggle the devil seems to isolate us and then bring his lies all around us. 

I may not have heard the voice of God or prophecy clearly but there was something in my heart and mind that said yes: here am I. I will go. Lord I want others to come to know you. I prepared and applied and interned and then said yes to this work for your kingdom on the CU campus. Lord would you help me recall why I started this journey of ministry. Would you help me celebrate the little things along the way. 

God give me the strength and willpower to fight the battle well holding on to faith and a good conscience. I don't know how, but help me to turn to you and depend on you. 
Amen

Abide in Jesus Christ then you will bear fruit

Jesus said in John 15:5

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

And 

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. (John 15:1-4 NIV)

God you have been humbling me and reminding me you are God and I am not, you are savior and I am not, you are in control and I am not. God you are the Gardner. Jesus is the vine and my place is as a branch in the vine. You call us first to abide in you. In you Jesus you say without question we will bear much fruit, but apart from abiding in Jesus we can do nothing.

It's amazing the strength of this statement either you will abide or not and directly consequential you will absolutely either bear fruit or not. Now I am a little confused on what this fruit is, but I am sure it is good: repentance, growth, witness, love etc.

But Lord I confess I have not been abiding in you. And I feel I have not been bearing fruit. Now that's probably a little extreme but I think there have been days or a few weeks where I really haven't abided in you Jesus. God I have felt the pain and loss of not abiding in you. But I have been lost and stuck in despair. I have been walking in darkness and I have forgotten my way home to you. Lord would you guide me back to you. For you are hope and life and truth and love. In you there is not a shadow of darkness. God I desire to dwell in your presence. I long to live in your city and find citizenship with you in your kingdom. Let me dwell in the house of The Lord all the days of my life and forever.

Amen

God I pray for a mind and heart shift

God I pray for a mind and heart shift,

Would you help me view my role and responsibility in ministry as is right and good in your eyes. Help me to remember and trust you as I humble myself before you. You are God and I am not. 

So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. (1 Corinthians 3:7 ESV)

I am selfish and arrogant so would you humble me and change my heart. In fact you have humbled me so would you please pick me up and heal me now Lord?

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. (Job 38:1, 2, 4 NIV)

For I have seen the storm and the maelstrom. In my house, my neighborhood, the ministry I try to lead.

I can say with with the author of Proverbs: 

He mocks proud mockers
    but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.

Proverbs 3:34

So I will try as 1 Peter 5 says

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Father God help me to believe that you do care for me.

Lord give me a new vision and a clearer sense of my calling and responsibility. 

Send me to plant, water, to sow and to reap the harvest you grow. 

For have you not sent me saying:

He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. 3 Go!

Luke 10:2,3

For I am weak and weary and ready to give up. I long to hear a word from you Lord telling me it was not all for nothing, that you care and what you want me to do from here. 

Amen